I feel bullied and hopeless. How can I find happiness? | Dear Mariella

The dilemma I am a girl in my 30s. On paper I am vibrant – an Oxford graduate with a slew of prestigious {qualifications}, extracurricular achievements and a reasonably profitable profession. The actuality is I simply feel pathetic, ignorant and gormless. I’ve acquired to the place I am as a result of I’m adept at analysing and memorising info, whereas clearly missing different sorts of intelligence. I was bullied in class and proceed to be bullied in grownup life, which to me reinforces how pathetic I am.

I am very bodily and socially clumsy, can’t perceive physique language, have bother processing what persons are saying and take issues actually. This has led individuals to remark that I am autistic. I have by no means sought a proper analysis as a result of I don’t need to use it as an excuse or perhaps a weapon, which I’ve seen different autistic girls do.

I was handed over for promotion as a result of I was a “pushover” who “couldn’t deal with ambiguity”. I moved jobs due to bullying and am doing nicely, nevertheless it’s as a result of I’ve discovered a area of interest. All my life I’ve run away from bullies and I’m continually beating myself up about my cowardice. I simply give individuals free rein to chortle at me and tear strips out of me. I’ve had remedy and it really works whereas I’m having it, however I simply return to believing I am weak and silly and should die. I know I’m fortunate to have a superb job and buddies and household that love me, however how can I be comfortable in myself?

Mariella replies That’s the hardest query… To my thoughts, being comfortable in ourselves is among the hardest expertise to grasp and an undervalued attribute. How seldom we elevate or rejoice those that are comfortable of their skins. Instead, we deal with them circumspectly as if having the measure of your self is a sign of being delusional and using the braveness of your convictions to affect your world is one thing different individuals ought to be suspicious of – and even mock.

Think how a lot power we put into our lives – whether or not academically, in our careers or socially – but all that effort is as nothing within the face of our innate capacity to sabotage our personal happiness by undermining our achievements and evaluating ourselves unfavourably to others. You’re clearly a previous grasp.

What I fear about essentially the most although is your remark that you just feel you don’t should stay – if that’s the case then it’s not me you need to be coming to for assist however an organisation such because the Samaritans (name 116 123) who will assist you to perceive what number of different individuals wrestle with comparable debilitating psychological well being points.

The major place to begin for a contented life is creating an indomitable sense of our personal self-worth and but so usually it’s the primary stumbling block. Self-acceptance is elusive and one thing that we spend too little time encouraging in ourselves or honouring in others. What you could have happening is as debilitating as any sickness we’d take way more severely.

You say others have advised you could be on the autistic spectrum, which is one thing you have to examine. Failing to take action as a result of – as you recommend – it will likely be an excuse or a crutch, is like refusing to find out in the event you’re allergic to cat hair as a result of it can develop into a cause to keep away from cats! Knowledge is energy and self-knowledge nothing wanting a superpower.

Bullies are drawn to vulnerabilities in our defences and the one approach to mitigate their insidious influence is to shore up the fortress. Of course you have to examine in the event you’re on the autistic spectrum. If you don’t, how will you ever know which components of your character are right down to nature and which components are nurture? Suggesting that you just could be autistic, as you could have in your e-mail, whereas denigrating those that are is a muddled message and no path to enlightenment. You say you need to find happiness inside, however that received’t come to cross except you make a dedication to raised perceive your self.

Understanding your self comes from a decided investigation of your individual psyche. If remedy works why did you cease? There’s no magic wand that may sweep away your tendency to self-loathing. It takes dedication, exhausting work and readability, all of which you appear to show, however solely when directing it at your self destructively.

Go again to remedy as quickly as attainable, however this time couple it with a decided effort to make use of all the abilities I simply talked about within the constructive pursuit of a greater high quality of life. Most of us wrestle with our reflections every now and then, however endlessly trying to find faults as an alternative of merely taking inventory and carrying on turns into a self-fulfilling prophesy.

As for being clumsy, it’s a comedy staple and fairly frequent. My recommendation is to remain away from fragile objects!

If you could have a dilemma, ship a short e-mail to [email protected]. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1

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