The Fiver | Five goals, 37 shots, 16 corners and 472 little Fiver moans


The Fiver feels unclean. Admittedly this isn’t an unprecedented state of affairs, actually or figuratively, however we’ve bought to write down about one thing in order that’ll do. You see, we really feel responsible about our relationship with Big Cup. On the one hand, we detest all the pieces it represents, and are 110% disgusted by the Even More Greed Is Even Better proposals to make elite soccer even much less jeapordous. But then we watch a sport like Bayern 2-3 PSG, making humorous little moaning noises all through, and it makes us really feel so darn euphoric. Deriving such visceral pleasure from one thing we basically detest is the closest the Fiver has come to having a type of lovebuddies we hold studying about it in Granny Fiver’s way of life magazines.

There’s one other layer of guilt to our pleasure. Because though the primary leg of the quarter-final between Bayern and PSG produced 5 targets, 37 pictures, 16 corners and 472 little Fiver moans, deep down we all know among the gegenpressing and Big Chance Conversion left a good bit to be desired, and that makes us really feel unhappy.

In the pursuit of emotional readability, and as a result of The Man has ordered us to take action, we plan to take a seat down for tonight’s second leg and leer at our large display screen with a barely gormless expression. The match, a repeat of last year’s final in case you’ve been at a digital retreat on the Kerguelen Islands for the final 9 months, is inconceivable to name, despite the fact that PSG have three away targets. PSG’s dwelling type this season has been ropey, and within the earlier spherical they flirted with blowing a 4-1 lead towards Barcelona. They will even know that with a bit extra luck final week – and much more Lewandowski – Bayern may very well be 48-3 forward on mixture.

But there will likely be no Lewandowski tonight both. Both groups have pretty grotesque damage lists, which provides to the thrilling feeling of unpredictability that makes us really feel so responsible. PSG’s largest loss is their captain, Marquinhos, however they do have the trump card of world soccer: Kylian Mmmbappé, who roasted Bayern on the counter-attack within the first leg and ought to have ample alternatives to do the identical tonight. If he scores a hat-trick, PSG may simply sneak by.

Tonight’s different sport must be a formality: Chelsea have a 2-0 lead over Porto from the away leg, though each matches are being performed in Seville. But Thomas Tuchel will likely be barely cautious, having lost a similar lead against Manchester United two years in the past when he was PSG supervisor. If it occurs once more he’ll be filthy. We know the way he feels.


In case you didn’t notice above, there’s Big Cup action on tonight, both starting at 8pm BST. Rob Smyth will be MBMing PSG 2-4 Bayern (5-6 agg), while Barry Glendenning is on Chelsea 3-1 Porto (5-1 agg).


“I always get fed, I can assure you of that” – Noah Solskjær may as nicely have stated ‘my captors are treating me well’, even when his assertion to Norwegian media was meant to dampen the little war of words between his father, Ole, and José Mourinho, after Manchester United’s weekend win over Spurs.

Manchester United supervisor Ole Gunnar Solskjær poses along with his sons Noah (left) and Elijah. Photograph: Ntb Scanpix/Reuters


““You just had to do it, didn’t you? Barely as I’ve just about got over the 16 years of bitterness at Pedro Mendes’s shot from the halfway line at Old Trafford being disallowed and Spurs being denied a certain last-minute winner, you went and published a picture of Roy Carroll (yesterday’s Quote Of The Day) at about the same position inside the goal from which he made his heroic ‘save’. With presumably the same smug grin on his face. Thanks a lot, Fiver” – Tim Clarke.

“Re: Justin Kavanagh and Antoine Griezmann’s exceptionally accurate child creation (yesterday’s letters). I’ve done the maths so no-one else has to – these are the major events approximately nine months prior to the birth of each child: 11 July 2020 – “thigh injury” towards Real Valladolid which ends his season. 15 July 2018 – wins the World Cup Final. 28 July 2015 – scores for first time within the season towards Real Oviedo. I assume 2020 was arduous for everybody” – Luke Justus.

“I hate agreeing with Mourinho. I mean, I really, really hate it. But he ain’t wrong. Bread IS bread. And, most of the time, cheese usually is cheese. But he’s still gonna get fired in a few weeks, isn’t he?” – Mike Wilner.

“Re: recent stories on refereeing. Many moons ago I was playing in goals in an amateur league match deep down in the west of Ireland. The referee that day was huge, the kind of fella who was probably sinking 10 pints a day during the week and gallons of porter at the weekend. Needless to say he couldn’t keep up with play. Our opponents took a corner and managed to get a shot away towards my near post. The referee who had taken up a position near the post out of sheer laziness, managed to deflect their shot from going wide with his beer gut back into play from which they scored. To add insult to injury he gave me a yellow card for pointing out his fat belly had provided the assist” – Eoin Balfe.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And you may at all times tweet The Fiver by way of @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Luke Justus.


It’s ya boi, David Squires, on the great Trent Alexander-Arnold Wards of 2021-37 and one hero that is willing to risk it all.

Not inconceivable, with the best way issues are going. Illustration: David Squires/The Guardian


Forest Green are pondering appointing the Football League’s first woman manager, having booted Mark Cooper by the door marked Do One.

Manchester City are poised to swoop for Fluminense’s teenage sensation Kayky, who has been billed because the ‘new Neymar’. No stress then. Talking of which, Jadon Sancho will not face City for Dortmund tomorrow as a consequence of ongoing thigh-gah. Which may need given Pep Guardiola some confidence.

A 49-year-old man has been charged with racially abusing West Brom’s Romaine Sawyers on-line.

The determination to bar clinically extraordinarily weak supporters from the League/Fizzy Cup remaining is “direct discrimination”, in response to a gaggle of disabled Tottenham followers.

It was Big Sam’s flip to be in a proper funk over VAR, because it meant a 4-0 win over Southampton ended up being only 3-0. Asked whether or not the expertise was making soccer a laughing inventory, he chuntered: “I’m afraid so.”

In different unsurprising Premier League information, Brighton created a load of probabilities and didn’t score from any of them. As per.

Lucy Bronze is a doubt for England’s friendly against Canada this night with groin knack.

And Florentino Pérez has been re-elected Real Madrid president for a sixth time period in an election contested by … *checks notes* … nobody else.


Tuesday marks 10 years to the day because the Women’s Super League as created, so Suzy Wrack listed the five biggest moments so far.


Meanwhile, Suzy additionally sat down for a chin-way with Kelly Simmons, the pinnacle of the skilled ladies’s sport, to see what’s subsequent for feminine soccer within the UK.

Oh, and if it’s your factor … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

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